Jailhouse Cuisine with Paul Horan

They say when criminals go to jail they always come out as better criminals, but I bet you didn’t know they also come out as better cooks. You have to be resourceful in the joint. Three squares a day doesn’t always cut it, so you have to use your head to survive. Paul Horan has been inside the belly of the beast, and he came out clean on the other side. He actually makes it sound like he was in the Goodfellas version of jail, the one where you live like a king and get away with everything (as opposed to the scary “soap on a rope” kind of hell hole that most of us think of). Paul mentioned some prison recipes he had learned, ones that could be made quickly inside a gas station with gas station ingredients, so we thought it would be a perfect series for Least Most. Bmxers are usually traveling while broke, so hopefully these come in handy for someone. Bon appetit√ɬ©.

RECIPE 1: Paul’s Slammin’ Slammer Mac & Cheese.
In the big house you have to start with items available on the jailhouse commissary list. The commissary list changes frequently so you take what you can get. This particular dish consists of Cheetos Puffs, Ramen Noodles, and Summer Sausage. You’ll also need a cup, hot water, a plastic knife, and a rubber band.

Step 1: Crush the cheese puffs inside the bag, as fine as you can get them. Don’t use all the Cheetos, one bag will make 2 to 3 meals. Also, make sure not to ruin the bag, you’ll need this later in the process. Cheetos bags are lined with aluminum, so they’re perfect to cook in. When you’re finished you can save the bag for future meals.

Step 2: Cut the summer sausage into bite size pieces with your plastic knife. When you’re finished with the knife, save it to melt down and file into a shank. If you’re a vegetarian you can skip this step (meaning the sausage, not the shank. Always keep a shank ready in case things pop off).

Step 3: Break up the ramen noodles then dump them all into your bag of crushed Cheetos. This is also a good time to add your sliced summer sausage. Mmm Mmm, I bet your mouth is watering already.

Step 4: Add hot water. For this dish, hot tap water will do. Some other dishes require boiling water with pieces of stripped wire plugged into an electrical outlet (we’ll show you how to do this in a future segment).

Step 5: Tie the bag with your rubber band, then let everything cook in there for a few minutes. The ramen noodles will take a few minutes to soften up and absorb the cheesy goodness from the Cheetos. When the noodles are no longer crunchy, it’s servin’ time.

Step 6: Eat it! By the look on Paul’s face, can’t you tell it’s delicious? More recipes coming soon…

Derek Adams

Orchid Footwear head hancho. Lover of beer, iphones and backflips.