Jailhouse Cuisine 2

Here is Paul Horan’s follow up to Jailhouse Cuisine Part 1. He learned some ingenious ways to fill his belly while inside the belly of the beast. Bon appetit√ɬ©.

Paul is a professional. Do not try this at home. You could get electrocuted or die.

RECIPE 2: Paul’s Prison Party Pizza

Step 1: Boiling water from a live electrical outlet. You’ll need an extension cord, a razor blade, a small bowl, water of course, and salt. Marge Simpson salt shaker is optional.

Step 2: Cut the end off the extension cord with your razor and trim back some of the wire housing, leaving 2 pieces of exposed wire. Separate the two pieces of wire so you can hold one piece in each hand.

Step 3: Carefully plug in your modified extension cord and submerge the ends into the bowl of water. You have to hold them near the top of the bowl and remove every few seconds to keep from blowing a circuit. (If you blow the circuit in jail, you knock out power to 4 other cells leaving the other inmates without power, tv, etc. This could result in a shanking so be careful). Your water will begin to heat up very quickly like this. Adding salt will help it boil faster. Whatever you do, don’t touch the ends of the cord together or put your hands in the water. You’ll get zapped.

Step 4: Assemble your ingredients. You’ll need 3 to 4 bags of Raman noodles, half a bag of Fritos, tomato sauce, chili sauce (optional), and squeezable cheese. All of these items are available on the prison commissary list.

Step 5: Crush up the Raman and Fritos inside a large zip lock bag. The more you use, the thicker the crust. Add the hot water and knead inside the bag for a couple of minutes until everything turns into a warm paste. This paste will be your pizza dough.

Step 6: Flatten out your dough inside the bag. We’re using a metal can here, but cans are strictly forbidden inside the joint. You can make all kinds of awesome weapons from an old can.

Step 7: Once flattened, make a groove around the edge for your “crust”.

Step 8: Cut away the plastic bag with your razor blade. Fun fact: In jail you can have 1 razorblade at a time for shaving, but you have to return it to get a new one. That’s because a box cutter can be made easily by melting your toothbrush handle and pressing the razor into the soft plastic.

Step 9: Add your sauce. For this particular pizza we’re using tomato sauce on half and chili sauce on the other half. After all, this is a party pizza and sauce is the boss.

Step 10: Apply your squeezable cheese.

Eat it while the dough is still warm from your boiled water. Mmmm mmmm, delicious and filling!! Chef recommendation: This recipe is best when served with a nice tall glass of Pruno. The flavors will dance on your palate.

Part 3 coming soon.

Derek Adams

Orchid Footwear head hancho. Lover of beer, iphones and backflips.