Budget Gourmet

Here is a recipe disaster from the Punk Rock Duo, Sexy Crimes, who just set off on a U.S. tour. Check them out.

For starters you will need WHISKEY 
1 bottle of Old Crow, (preferably plastic so you can have a nip on your way home)

Heat up the oven to 325  (do this. you’ll thank us later)

2 cups vital wheat gluten (its ok dudes, its not just for hippies anymore)
1/2 cup nutritional yeast (see above)
1 package soft (not silken) tofu (14-16 oz) 
2 cups vegetale broth (homemade is best, cubes are ok!)
1 onion
4-5 cloves garlic

Cook up the onion and garlic in some butter or olive oil (you know when its done when it smells like you’ve been cooking all day)
in the meantime, mix up the dry ingredients (wheat gluten, nut yeast, s+p, thyme (or whatever other spice you have))
when the onion mix is done, combine half of it with the tofu and 1 cup of broth and blend it – you must blend it as smooth as possible (the magic bullet joel found in the dumpster worked best, but a food processor or emersion blender will work) just make sure there is no little tofuey lumps left in it. smooth like mercury mofo. 
mix the tofu juice into the dry ingredients – you want it to be dryer than wetter so pour slowly.  mix it up and knead and punch it – should be bouncy spongy ish
roll it out oun a floured surface and sprinkle on top thinly sliced apples and onions, or any other savory  treats you like to include (raisins, stuffin, etc)
roll it up and close the ends
put it in a dish with a lid if you have one (or cover with tinfoil) and pour the rest of the broth and onion mix on top for basting!

Cook for 2 1/2 hours, basting as often as you check your facebook account – about every 20  minutes.  Also, try whiskey shots with every baste.  And use this time to listen to Megadeth and wash up the dishes, so you don’t leave a pile in the sink and piss off your roommates.  


2 carrots
2 celery stocks
1 sweet potato
1 regular potato
2 cups green beans (snap em all)
1 large onion
olive oil
salt n pepa

While the roast is doing its thing you can cut up the veggies. you can literally use any veggie you have on hand for this 
cut them in biggish pieces and toss with oil and spices
you like to use a black cookie sheet  to cook (it will make them get brown and crispy and tasty)

This gets a little hairy:
When the roast is cooked for 2 1/2 hours, take off off the cover and turn the heat  up to 425. 
put the veggies in and cook for another 20 – 30 minutes 
the added heat should give the roast  a little crustyness (like it will emerge with a bandanna wearing dog and starting shit at Best Friends Day) and the veggies should get brown on the bottom.

1 1/2 tbsp butter
1 1/2 tbsp flour
1 1/2 cup broth (use whatever you used earlier)
Ok, take the butter, put it in a pan, heat it over low to medium heat for a minute or so. it will froth and then it will kindof start to simmer or stop frothing.  then add the flour little by little.  At this point you need to have a wire whisk. start whisking that shit like crazy. dont stop. do that for three minutes, then add the broth, little by little. it will turn into delicious gravy.

We recommend enjoying this delicious meal with a side of HORRIFIC TALES FROM THE CRYPT!!!!
– Joel Alford, Cassady Fernandez

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