#10. Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice tried to reinvent himself as a metal dude in the late 90′s with hilarious results. Here’s the metal version of Ice Ice Baby dubbed over the original music video. Believe it or not, it’s one of the more listenable tracks on the list.

#9. Downset
I think Downset was one of the bands that emerged after Rage Against The Machine got popular. This song was actually in an ECD video already, so you need to get MCM’s permission if you want to reuse it (this video actually says MCM in the corner too…weird).

#8. Limp Bizkit
Let’s get the obvious out of the way here, these guys are terrible.

#7. Kid Rock
Say what you want about Kid Rock, but he made sweet love to Pamela Anderson in her prime, and you didn’t.

#6. Crazy Town
This isn’t the most “metal” of Crazy Town’s tracks, but it’s probably the worst video. You might know “Shifty” from Dr. Drew’s celebrity rehab on tv. Seems like a fun guy to smoke crack with.

#5. Hed PE.
Thanks to my friend Luke for making me aware of this. Double wow! So gangsta!!

#4. Undead
This is the first song that popped up on Youtube when I typed in “rap metal”. Figures it’s on a Famous Stars and Straps soundtrack. Why do a lot of these guys sound like angrier versions of Eminem? If you haven’t puked yet, this may do it. Get your bucket ready…

#3. Jay-Z and Linkin Park
The rap/rock collaboration thing was invented by Run DMC/Aerosmith in the 80′s, taken to extremes with the Judgement Night Soundtrack in the 90′s, and has only gone downhill since. The top 3 are more recent collabo’s that never should have happened. Yes, it actually gets worse from here.

#2. Wu Tang and System of a Down.
No!! Why?? If you don’t want to lose respect for Wu-Tang, just skip to the next one. This is abysmal. ODB must be rolling in his grave.

#1 Metallica and Ja Rule.
I still can’t believe this song actually happened. Who thought this was a good idea? I got this song stuck in my head for an entire day, “Yeahhhhh, we did it!!!” over and over, haha. It really doesn’t get any worse. Please listen to this because misery loves company. Seriously, this track is an audio train wreck!
WARNING: Once heard this can never be un-heard.

Justin Owen, top competitor in the Chili Cookoff, Bowl slayer in skate catagory as well.

Celebrity Judges, Shelley Briggs Of Best Friends Day, and Randy Blythe from Lamb Of God.

Battlemaster and Greta Brinkman’s Awesome BOC patch

Hippy, Of Hell’s Satan’s, One Of the Winners of Best Veggie Chili, No Shirt, No Shoes, No Worries.

Ward Tefft, Wizard Beans

Winner, Best Veggie Chili

Dave Witte of Municipal Waste, Best Carnivore Chili, Sean McCormick Peoples Choice Award

Jim Callahan of Born Ugly, and Andy from Battlemaster

Hippy and the sign he made.

Coliseum!

Tom Blyth and Kenny Horton

Coliseum…

Pissed Jeans live at the Cake Shop in NYC. Filmed and edited by Joe Stakun of ILMB fame.

I went to see The Mercury Program at Kung Fu Necktie in Philly last night. I brought the camera and snapped some photos, even though looking at pictures of these guys playing does them about as much justice as listening to the sound only from your favorite bmx video. The Mercury Program are real musician’s musicians. They’re insanely tight and complex, not far different from a jazz band. Their sound is difficult to describe, so just listen to some of songs embedded in the next few pages, it’s really amazing stuff. -Derek Adams

I’m sure there are thousands of great party bands out there, but I thought it would be fun to build a case for why I think Murphy’s Law from NYC is one of the greatest of them all. Murphy’s Law is one of the original NYHC bands from the 1980′s and unlike most bands from that era, these guys weren’t trying to craft socially conscious lyrics about restrictive lifestyle choices and friendships gone awry, they were just trying to party. And that’s completely apparent in their music and lyrics. Maybe that’s why Murphy’s Law has continued to exist for over 25 years, they’re just trying to keep the party going. Here’s some photos I shot in Philly last week, along with some reasons why Murphy’s Law flat out rules. -Derek Adams

FUN.
Number one, Murphy’s Law encourages you to have fun. “I don’t care what you say, I’m gonna have fun today.” Words to live by if you ask me.

HORNS.
Nothing makes music more festive than a good horn player. And if your horn player happens to be named Raven, even better.

SING ALONGS.
Murphy’s Law is all about the sing along, as any great party band should. Cavity Creeps is a great example. It’s based on an old Crest toothpaste commercial and the chorus is “We make holes in teeth” over and over. It’s so easy to get into, you gotta love it.

BARBEQUE.
If you’re running for greatest party band of all time, you better have a song about the mother of all parties, the all day BBQ.

BEER.
Every time I’ve seen these guys it’s been in a bar that sells beer, yet the band is handing out free beer to the crowd. Because this makes no business sense, this party atmosphere is immediately amplified. It also helps to have multiple songs about beer.

WEED.
Let’s face it, everybody loves weed. And people who love weed love songs about weed. This one is pretty much a no brainer.

THIS AIN’T NO NAZI PARTY.
So three guys decided to come to the show in full Nazi field uniforms. I showed up too late and missed the whole thing, but apparently they got their asses handed to them and their little Nazi hats stolen. It was a pretty big deal and even made the news. Seriously, Nazis? What year is this?

SMALL VENUES.
Bigger is not always better, especially when it comes to live music venues. There’s nothing better than seeing a band play live right in front of your face. The most memorable shows I’ve seen have always been in the smallest shittiest place. Murphy’s Law knows what it’s all about.

1980′s.
Did I mention Murphy’s Law began in the 80′s, the decade that invented the party?

SITTING AROUND AND DOING NOTHING.
Let’s face it, we can’t party all the time. Murphy’s Law even has a song about that. They have all the bases covered here. I rest my case.

Part 2 from the Sexy Crimes Tour de Frazzled.

Hey there,
So we got a new transmission in the van. Made it to Sacramento where we played an awesome show At a really cool house called the den. Then we broke down again in a snowstorm in the sierras and had to get towed out of California. Stuck in Reno for two days. Drove into Utah and across the salt flats where there are millions of pictures of wangs made out of rocks. Now we are trapped in salt lake city because all of the roads over the Rockies are completely closed due to huge snows In the mountains. If we are lucky we can get out tomorrow and get back on track in Minneapolis or Chicago. Yeah! Save some pbr for us we are goin to make it home somehow- Joel and Cassady

See Part 1 of the tour Blog Here

2 piece punk rock duo, Sexy Crimes intended on doing a tour blog/ diary, but not everything goes as planned… Here goes though.

-We are three weeks into tour and we finally get the chance to sit down and write about what has been going on, due to the van being out of commission because of a transmission situation. But it is being remedied and we are sleeping under a windmill in Buellton, California for the time being so we are going to give you some tour highlights to get you up to speed.

DAY ZERO
Amazing tour kickoff show at Mojo’s, played with It Good and Please Baby Help Me Forget (who rocked but whose scantily clad dancers pissed off the punx). Ate tons of pizza. Recieived best tour care package ever from best friends ever! Stoked. Also picked up our horny merch guy, Ben Pier.

DAY ONE
Stopped at Crossroads to fuel up on some coffee and bagels for the road, then 8 hours later stepped out of the van in Athens GA to realize that Joel had left wallet at Crossroads. What do we do when we fuck up big time? Call Ward Tefft. Problem solved. Ward goes to Xroads and saves wallet, fed exes it for us to pick up in 2 days in NOLA. Headed to John and Ella’s house, ate a delicious dumpstered supper and played at a really fun party followed by alot of standup comedy!!!!

DAY TWO
Swung on a rope swing by the tracks. Joel and Ben got clowned big time by the lady at the thrift store for wearing LITERALLY the same exact outfit. Drove to ATL, found out we had no show. Some wacky shit happened and then we had two shows. One at a rad record store (check out reactionary records next time you are in atlanta, tell Paul we sent you) and one at a really spectacularly crusty house, the catcave. Think mountains of catshit upstairs, lake of sewage in backyard, we had to play in puddles of water getting shocked electrically and heckled by crusty gentlemen with face tattoos and shitty attitudes, one of whom literally whipped out his dick and pissed on the floor next to a pregnant woman during It Good’s set (but got his come uppance when someone stomped on his foot and broke it so the bone was sticking out)…yeah. like that. But we had a time afterwards with our buddy Justin and a bunch of new and old Atlanta friends that we chilled with back at Justin’s house.

DAY THREE
New Orleans. Ate amazing oyster Po Boys from Verti Mart and drank beers on the street, legally! Met up with Candice who rules and who lives in the most amazing punk house ever, played a really fun show with Maddy Ruthless, Nervous Juvenile (candice’s band) plus Sun God and This Moment in Black History from Cleveland. Fun!!!! It rained.

DAY FOUR
Drove to Houston, met up with Bret Shirley, played with Black Congress whose show is basically one big crazy fight featuring awesome fucking wierd postish-hardcore fucking wildASSNESS. Shit is off the chain. Afterwards we went to a party at our friends Roy and Megs’ house where we ate the best taco bell burritos anyone has ever eaten.

DAY SIX
We woke up and went to TAMALE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! It was totally worth the 45 minute wait to get our migas. Plus a funny lady gabbed at us the whole time we were in line in the parking lot. She thought Cassady was going to get a gun to shoot us all because she was paying so much attention to Joel, even though she was “an old blacklady, all worn out!” Yikes! Then we went to House of Commons where we played Dont Tell Mom Fest. One of the kids who lived there, Kyle, did a crazy monkey trick where he shimmied like 40 feet up a street light pole to hang the banner for the show. It was nuts. Then the show was fucking amazing. All the bands I name dropped yesterday, plus Shannon and the Clams, and a bunch more. Plus we watched Wild America while moshing under a huge American flag. Then we passed out in the van with the doors open!!!!

DAY SEVEN
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON
we saw ROKY ERICKSON

DAY EIGHT
we had to say goodbye to Ben Pier and we were sad. We had the day off so we went to a pretty wack state park, camped out, and cooked a delicious dinner of collard greens, mock duck, and hobo beans (recipe column to follow). Shit was tight. Then we slept forever.

DAY NINE
Learned a lesson that most other touring bands seem to know…avoid West Texas!!. Let me just say we played penny pint night at a scary ass bro bar at Texas Tech, the “promoter” never showed up, the meathead door guy kept chasing us around trying to get us to pay to get in, and the best thing about the show was that Joel didnt get beat up.

DAY TEN
we thought the van was really fucked up but it turned out we just needed a new tire…we had been inches away from a catastrophic flat tire on the highway!!! cool. Got that taken care of and hit the road. We drove through some gorgeous mountains, and were stoked to leave Texas and hit New Mexico, Cassady’s homeland. However, our route took us BACK through Texas. Have you ever heard that Texas is large? Like dude. get over yourself. Shit is like Quantum Leap or something. OK. So back in texas, you could drive like nine million miles an hour and there were no other cars on the highway, but the flipside was it was the windiest day ever in the world. We stopped by the side of the road to pee and cassady had the wind blow pee all over joel and all over the van, which really entertained some nearby truckers. HAHA!!! TOUR!!! PEEEPEE FUNNY!! Then we made it to Las Cruces. Holy shit that town is amazing. The kids there are really rad, we made a ton of new friends like Brandon and Chelsea who made us GREEN CHILE MAC AND CHEESE and then we played a hit show with Shang a Lang, Dead to Me and Off With Their Heads!!!!!! rad day. Then we went back to the house and had wild times. Those dudes from peelander Z showed up and everyone went buck wild.

DAY ELEVEN
took forever to drive to Albuquerque, went straight to Frontier for a green chile injection!!!! Met up with old buds, played a rad show at a really cool DIY spot in Barelas with KIT and Death Sentaence Panda and it was awesome. Then we bro’d down with old ABQ buds!!!!!!!

DAY TWELVE
had to take the van to the shop, but at least we are down with the folks at Wheel Align It, which is a cool shop owned by Heidi and populated by birds and rad mechanics. Turned out van was fine, just had a loose hose. Seth and Jess made us the best green chile pizza ever. (have you noticed a serious green chile theme in new mexico? Shit is seriously really addictive. Once you’re hooked, it’s all over. You want to put it on everything.)

DAY THIRTEEN
we drove one million miles. Were going to camp out near Flagstaff but all the spots were closed. So, we went all the way to Boulder City Nevada where we met up with our buddy and hero, RYAN TIETJEN aka JOKESAMA BEEN LAUGHIN’. Yeah! He was wasted and it was hilarious.

DAY FOURTEEN
Tietjen was done in from the night before and couldn’t make it to Vegas with us. We got to the Bunkhouse Saloon and were given a dirty martini and a free motel room!! Then we played a hit show with Lesser You and The Mapes. Awesome. really fun show. Our motel room ruled! It only had cold water.

DAY FIFTEEN
We drove to Chino and were disappointed that the town is absolutely nothing like the image of it on TV’s “The O.C.” Nobody forced us to rob a car, or threw gang signs, or hit us with a golf club or anything! It’s actually a very nice little town. On the way there, we lied to the agricultural inspection man who asked if we had any produce. We were loaded with grapes and carrots and collard greens! Hopefully we dont upset the delicate agricultural balances of California with our strange foreign produce. We decided just to not throw anything away while here. The show in Chino was really rad. We met up with Tim, Donna and Party Marty at the venue, which is really sweet warehouse with a big parking lot to hang in and a skate ramp and everything. Kindof a mini version of the Bike Lot. Plus they did a sweet bbq in the parking lot! We were stoked. After the show we partied hard with the kids from Horror Squad and they taught us a new drinking game (we drunkenly wrote down the rules in the van that night..apparently its called Chino Bino.)

DAY SIXTEEN
Drove to L.A., where we met up with Craig, who took us straight to the Beach!!!! Then we went to this place called Best Fish Taco which is literally that. They only sell two items, fish taco and shrimp taco, and you watch them make it in front of you, and it is mind blowing. And cheap! Then we had some sweet backyard chillers and threw toys for Natas the dog. Our L.A. show was cool, at a spot called Pehr Space.

DAY SEVENTEEN
We made some tight Migas for Craig and Brian, then later we went to see Harkins at the almighty GRILL EM ALL!!!!! God damn those guys do it up right. They stuffed us full of crazy ass veggie burgers (the biggest i’ve ever seen) and pommes frites with truffle oil. Truffle oil!!!! man. Then we drove to San Diego, chilled on the beach for a while and watched the sun set, went to a wierd bar where all the bartenders have to wear bikinis, and then met up with Patrick and went to our show. Soda Bar is awesome and it was a cool mix of bands: Slow Death, Us, a high school instrumental metal band, an alt country bar band, and the Bertos! Cool. After that we went to this bar where the bartender Renee was from Richmond and made it her project to et us wasted. She succeeded! We gave her Ward’s number and attempted to have her prank call Ward and tell him that we had run out on our tab and that he was responsible for it. It didn’t work. Then we all went and crashed around in Patrick’s house and made out with Dotty the Dog.

DAY EIGHTEEN
Day Off!!! Easy drive up to Carpinteria State Beach where we camped out with hobos, hung on the beach, made delicious food, watched seals hanging out on the beach, and generally had times.

DAY NINETEEN
Twenty minutes into the drive to San Francisco we find ourselves broken down on the side of a twisty mountain road. Chase the wrecker driver saved our asses (he had to get the cops to block traffic a mile down the road so we could get the van up onto his truck! It was hectic.) and brought us through the mountains to Buellton, where we learned that the van’s transmission had finally shit the bed. So here we sit. Hopefully it will be fixed by today and we will make it to Oakland!!! If not we’re stuck here til monday. So. WE MISS YOU! HOPE EVERYONE THERE IS HAVING A TIME!!- Joel and Cassady